Fear.

Fear is..

when you wait for somebody who might not return,
being afraid of losing someone dear.

being abandoned like an old bear;

being afraid to know the truth.

to be scared of the things in your imagination

--

where the only security is from your dreams,

a playground of your ideals and desires put together.

These are all from last year's photography module, I kind of miss it alot though the last one involved SO much photoshopping it robbed me of my patience. (its really ugly, I know. The theme is surrealism so don't ask me why the heads are made of objects)

I'm glad the rest don't require much editing at all. The next deadline for coursework is drawing near, I need to draw more.

Think I'm starting to sound like one hell of a studying a freak already. Truth is, I just started concentrating recently

(this was taken during the photography module last year.
The theme is "fear")

Think I'm starting to sound like one hell of a studying a freak already. Truth is, I just started to concentrate recently and just want to keep it up by reminding myself 24/7. Its scary when a teacher says she'll give up on you if you don't start to work towards that direction.

My social life is gone, and it gets worse when most of the "life" I used to have has disappeared too. Not to say I'm not having a good time, and that the environment around me is helping me stay more focused. The weekdays have been rather fun and well-spent with Sarah and a few of my art mates, I must say.

Still, it gets a little lonely in school sometimes, I just don't see myself with anybody else. Its as though I know many people on the surface, but none who will think of me. Perhaps one or two, I guess. These thoughts do creep into my mind, maybe people just don't feel good around me.


Or maybe I'm just the kind of person who can only hang out with one group or a few friends, not the kind with great friends everywhere and an awesome social life. I guess everybody's got their own lives to lead. Though I kind of hated how I wasn't in the group in choir last time, I've found a really great junior and a wonderful batchmate. Just one group of friends to keep from sec 1 to sec 4 but I daresay secondary school's been a wonderful period with them.

I used to grow jealous when I see those people with a million friends dying to hang out with them, not so much now. After all the things I've gone through during the past few months, I've learnt to adapt to different situations. Partly. Seeing the few in the group makes my heart ache, yet I'm already quite numb to it. Its only when that overwhelming feeling comes.

Today, I found myself wandering aimlessly, not knowing who else to find without being afraid of them thinking I'm irritating. You see, people only worry about these things when they're not close to the person. I've heard of people compaining about how they find people who randomly talk annoying. I started to think how I really am in others' eyes.



On the way home, I plugged into my ipod and listened to a great deal of classical music. Different people entered my mind and reminded me of who I can really talk to and who I can not. Perhaps I should learn to survive on my own with that queer, contrasting personality of mine.

The night owl in me is dominating again.

On the other hand, much thanks to those who were with me during this period when I didn't have the usual spot to wander off to. I've enjoyed the meals, the laughter, support and company. Hope these will remain forever, that fear of the opposite is inevitable.

Portions of friday, Saturday, Sunday, Schooldays.
& the weekly cycle.

Is this space even worth reading anymore? Not at all? No?

I don't like it when I know NOTHING about what's going on in your lives even though I'm supposed to be like, away from all the action.

You know what sucks? Looking through all the old random photos, remembering all the people who've entered your life (and those that left). And wondering what the hell happened. Like, all the random saturday morning pictures in school... at the cafe. Everywhere. Anywhere.

Clicking the left arrow on my phone/camera strung everything into a film of the past few months. Its amazing how that half-a-second flash of a photo can remind you of SO MUCH, the story/event behind every. single. photo.


That day where I was left clueless, where I felt extraordinarily segregated from you people, was the day where I knew things were DEFINITELY going a very wrong way. It isn't even about anybody's fault now, or whatever misunderstandings. Or whatever crap about who's the 'victim' or who's not. Or is it still about my faults and I?

If you noticed I'm not even trying to make this sound depressing. In case it makes you all feel like I'm putting the blame on anyone. It feels more like a loss and a pity more than anything else. I'm only making wild guesses.

Which direction would everything head towards? I know it wouldn't matter much for everyone else since I'm the only one who's away.

So that's all there is to the past few months?

What the hell is wrong with my neck/shoulders/back?! They're as hard as rocks, those who've tried massaging me can testify. I can't even sit on a chair for 5 minutes without feeling irritated with them and it ain't no exaggeration. Free massages would be greatly appreciated. If only studying while lying down was possible.

Ohyes, I'm back to studying at the airport. FINALLY!!! Just that i'm with Nelson, Atiqah and Rahul this time round at TCC. Their discussions made me realise I'm lacking in a whole shit load of content knowledge in terms of politics.


I felt like removing yesterday's post two, that explains the lack of two days' worth of posts. They might reappear. If I feel like letting them.

emma took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Alert and very observant. Always looking for new ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Did this colour quiz (think peixuan asked me to do it once) and I was just wondering why they're always so accurate. Or is because we find it easier to let others define us rather than trying too hard to search for our own souls? Our personality changes very often anyway, we'll never stop wondering. I know I don't make much sense here, hmm.

Just came back from SOT lecture, today's lesson made me think alot and that's probably what is interesting about GP. Definitely not the dry content or the skills. Its all about arguing everything out based on your own opinion and using different principals. Just to take note of these before I forget :]

Too bad Annia couldn't make it or I could've seen her there!! Sleeping till 1pm today helped me stay focused throughout so I'm going to sleep earlier from now on. (been trying to do that recently)

Oh and we (The usual "sot-sr" people HaoJing, KwokMeang, Gordon, Sylvester - YouJin) had wanton mee and the best muffins after class, the banana muffin and choc chip muffin was Godly I can't wait to eat more the next time round 8D


So I finally understood why I never really had much faith (and I've failed to read the bible everyday). I probably place too much importance on reality to think about religious morals.

Our last performance.

It was okay, I think. Not good, but not too bad.

The thought of stepping down and parting with my flute makes me sad. Playing by yourself and playing with the band is just so different. I also want to improve on my playing so badly but one year was all I had. I have no idea why I've got so much passion for this either, I guess I just enjoy it, that's it :]

I've got to work on my embrochure, tone and pitching now! Hopefully they'll let me have the flute till the next batch comes and that I'll be able to learn as much as I can during this perod of time. Can't wait to get my own one! (i better do after the A's!)

and that's what I meant by having a bad embrochure which results in me being sharp all the time. I'll better get rid of that!

Really really can't wait for the A's to end so I can practice and feel good enough to call myself a flautist, and get my diploma in piano (been thinking of getting it since sec 4 but there isn't time, I'm still thinking bout it). Plus draw and TRY writing a song and everything!!


Some things still aren't as pleasant as I wished they would be. In the end, I had lunch at yoshinoya with Nelson,Melissa,Laurencia (and her siblings), which made me forget about other things temporarily :D They're really nice people to hang out with and I appreciate the efforts of the rest too. The sms-es did make me feel like smiling :]

Stay strong and everything will be fine. It will be! :D

"everyone of us is holding on to the prescription that favors you and believe that it can work out"

got this from Yahui who got it from somewhere else :D

I'll start embracing the idea of being a workaholic (though I'm abit of the opposite now). They reviewed the CT results today, our cohort did really terribly. I'm in no position to say anything since I'm not even top amongst the bottom 58 percent. Well, I need people to shout "YOU DO NOT GIVE UP!" at me everyday, and at myself too.

Not gonna give up on art! Think I lack the practice, that's all. Its about the blood and sweat you put in. Some positive thoughts here :]



Two Jimmy Eat World songs I've been addicted to:


Jimmy Eat World - Authority Song


and here is The middle, again. I like the lyrics.

Jimmy Eat World - The Middle

Hey,
Don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out,
Or looked down on.
Just try your best,
Try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.

[Chorus]
It just takes some time,
little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright. (alright)

Hey,
You know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, (on your own)
So don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough (good enough)
For someone else.





& thanks for listening, Sarah. Both of us'll pull through and never ever give up like the vid! Linnie, you too! I had a great time with Sashie Linnie and Sheeshie in the art room today :]

All I need are the few who will understand me.

The cold glances will melt away soon, if i want them to.

I'm in control and I love that photo alot.

Took me long enough to understand that some people are not worth your time or simply do not matter. If misunderstanding people, getting mad, ignoring them and spreading the word seems like so much fun, have fun. I must say that isn't what normal people would consider 'fun'. Count the number of people who have been in my shoes, then look into a mirror.

Yes, I'm going to look into a mirror after typing this out but trust me, I've been looking into it lately. Its pointless to ask "I don't know why this happened", because I jolly well know what I've done wrong and what I've not. If you think I've done something I've not, I guess there isn't anything I can do.

I guess I could still say last year was a pretty great one.

I don't like being called noisy. Its strange how my old friends think I'm quiet (unless in front of really close friends) while the ones now think I'm too noisy. It makes me wonder what kind of personality I really am. Maybe being chatty is just to make up for all those quality conversations I used to have. Its not a nice feeling.

My old self was a better self, I think.

Empty talk. Made of nothing but empty talk. Doing nothing to my life right now. Not moving left, right, front, or back. Nowhere.

Seems like I missed out on quite abit today. I will go to school for the next two weeks at least, I must. Bad habits all kicking in again...

While I woke up pretty late today, nothing much was done. So I'm doing my GP essay late at night, this marks the start of another vicious cycle. There must be a way where I can get work done in the day so as to get enough rest!!


Went with Kenneth for confession at OLPS in the evening which helped put me at ease regarding some matters. The priest stopped me halfway but the prayers after that helped me. I never exactly believed how praying works as its a matter of faith, I saw it more like a way to let go of the things troubling me. Maybe I'm wrong, that's why I said my faith needs strengthening.

My life needs to welcome more positive changes, the short period of reflection before the penance made me realise that I've sinned ALOT. Its been nine whole years since I've done a confession. Its been weeks since I've last gone to church. & two whole years of not attending masses before I joined a Lutheran church last year. (and back to a catholic church) At some point in time I even did research on Atheism. Yes I have not been a very faithful catholic, but I'm trying to be one.



Back to GP now, tomorrow's going to be a long (and tiring) day.

back to the books and paragraphs of words,
down with the free expression?
Heck, its down with the high standards.

For the first few times in my life, I feel as though art is not my calling. Yahui was talking to me about sociology and it seemed really interesting discussing these issues with her.

The thing is, I'm certain I'm not the only one interested in these issues so what makes me so sure that I can actually do them? & can I even enter NUS/NTU in the first place (at this rate I'm going)? Am I good enough at what I like?

Is there a job where I can sit there the whole day and discuss these sociology-psychology related issues with people? But then again, who on earth WOULDN'T want that? Why am I so afraid to do something just because alot of other people have passion for that particular thing?


I dont' feel like taking art all of a sudden its making me so terribly frustrated. Or is this frustration normal? Can I get over this? Can I?

It drives me mad to know that something I love so much is driving me mad. I recall being really frustrated when I couldn't reach the recording's standards while playing the piano back then. Is there something wrong with me then?

I'm sure I'll end up hating everything I love/loved just because I can't reach those standards I've set for myself. Stop it Emma STOP IT.

Talking to a few people these few days also made me realise my confidence level is STILL really, really low. It makes me not want to do anything. I feel as though everything I do would be useless for I won't produce something I like.


I'm not GREAT at something, just GOOD at many things.

The paint in front of me is drying up and I'm not picking up the brush yet. Because that half-done painting doesn't look promising.



& if songs are proven to lift my moods, here's a good one. Alternative amongst all the classical and orchstral pieces I've heard lately.

Jimmy Eat World - The Middle

Cheers to great songs. Oh yes, ken gave me another great idea so I'm going to start jotting down whatever ideas I've got in my mind :]

I used to love chemistry ALOT?! I've always loved bio, but chemistry? Reading my sec 3 archives amuses me, my posts were extremely random back then. Not to say my thoughts are not random now, at least I don't just chuck random 5-word sentences, add loads of spaces, make it very long and call it a post haha.

2 years down the road I might be reading some posts from this year and go, "how immature.." or "I was such a horrible person then?!"

Something figures. So now there's people who know the complete picture and I don't cause I haven't tried finding out.

Things go wrong when people talk, words change and you just don't know what the truth is. Maybe there isn't even first-hand information. You're confused yourself. You could've said something in the past and meant whatever you said, but you don't right now. People assume you're being two-faced for doing that.

Words strip you of the chance to change, because the past (however untrue it may be) can be dug out in defense of a recent matter. It might seem like an appropriate example but people fail to acknowledge the change in others. In life, there really isn't anything like turning over a new leaf, is there?

We all make the same mistakes. I do, and you do too. So what right do we have to deprive others of that change by being the one to dig out past matters about her and her words about others? She could've acted differently now out of a genuine willingness to make everything better. Don't ruin her chance to improve/correct her relationship with another with the tainted past you heard of.

We ALL make that same mistake. I did, you did. We should just learn to keep our words to ourselves. All of it.

So.. do we even have to understand people with all sorts of miscommunication? Being extremely straightforward never seemed better. Like we don't know. They get so mixed up with emotions even the facts get twisted.

Band Camp 2009

Band camp's finally over, after three (long) days. It felt quite short sometimes, and draggy at other times. The most awesome thing was when I spent close to 3 hours talking to the two onnis at the gallery at night, where it was dark, peaceful and quiet. I haven't had such a nice chat in a long time.

My juniors are all quite nice, there quite abit of bonding during lunch/breakfast/instrument cleaning session. I admit I felt slightly worried at first for the fact that they had much more experience and are good flautists. Now I'm glad they're tons better for I wish to learn more.

I'll miss playing with a band. Its a pity I didn't have enough time to be able to play the flute well, one year is too short a period of time. Personally, I felt my rate of improvement wasn't bad until the end of last year, after the band fest. It just stopped there and I haven't moved forward since then due to the lack of practice. How much can I do with just 4 or 5 hours per week?

Next friday's our last performance, I don't actually want to step down. Don't want to part with my instrument. I'll wait till the end of A's and improve on my skills! That means I still have an extreeemeellyyyy long way to go.


Some things haven't changed the way I wished it would. I did think the camp would make things better but I suppose it didn't. It felt really, really weird at first but I got used to the idea, and that I'll have to get used to it even after school (probably). We all learn from experiences. Its best they remained the same but what can be done?


Just a few photos, I don't have too many.

Michael Jackson: through the years

since I've already posted blue sky march and probably highlights from ratatouille.

Anyway, tinkywinky and I went to spotlight to get some materials for the band camp - a whole load of fabric scraps for the groups. I got myself 3 pieces and a zip for some after A's project for the fun of it. Had banana pizza and found through the looking glass at times too!

Linette the WAH girl was also at Plaza Singapura so we got ourselves materials for art, guitar picks and other random materials. & my boots of course. Love it alot but I shall not claim to be a proud owner of it after writing the previous post.

.. I just saw a photo of people smiling for the camera at a funeral.



I'll be away for band camp from tomorrow till friday.

I used to be so easily satisfied.

In some ways (or sometimes), I still am. (like how flowers and little fishes or childhood items make me happy when I'm feeling down. I don't really like flowers and fishes, actually. The simplicity of these things makes life seem a little easier when you're able to admire them)

In others, I am not.

I used to think art pieces with themes such as "materialism" and "facades" are so cliche, that they get so boring I don't even want to look at those pieces. But when you see them becoming so real, you start to understand why so many artists carry the same statement.

Art is about creating something that's personal. We ought to be living our own lives, not trying to live life like others who are "above" you. Well, in what way? The definition of the word above is really subjective. In wisdom, intelligence, wealth or happiness? or...?

I'm still not satisfied.

Not satisfied with the kind of life I'm leading right now, the shallow soul that resides in me. Not satisfied with the absence of a mind with a thirst for knowledge, or a soul which yearns to do better, or the lack of a disciplined mind. This dissatisfaction is good, is it not?



Here I am, typing these words out while trying out the new pair of boots I've bought, new scarves and clothes and accessories.

I know everything here sounds so cheesy, and you'll probably feel this is so cliched (just like many of the artpieces I've seen) -- but you know what, this is my space afterall and I feel there is a need to write something to wake me up from my senses. Not yours, but mine.

Sweet dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree?

Hard work. Determination. Dreams.

Prinicipal's rally yesterday (in my opinion), was good. They got us to write down our dreams, things hindering us from achieving it and how we can improve on them.


He said those without a dream will go nowhere due to the lack of the drive to work hard and reach their destination. I know I lack that drive, because I don't think I can do what I love in the future. I'm not good enough and its difficult to in Singapore.

I don't know what to do in the future, but I know what I like and love. I wrote down something I've always wanted to do but didn't get the chance to. I wrote down two things I'd love to continue improving on. I wrote down the things in life I like to do and that included finding out more about everything.


Some of you may think its silly not to put something like "GET INTO NUS/NTU/SMU AND GET STRAIGHT As", but it seriously isn't my ultimate and only aim. Just that I feel unsafe not doing so. because I'm not good enough in things I enjoy doing.

Right now, I can't focus on anything. Not on ANYTHING. That's why I'm not ruling out the possibility of me enjoying university life because studying and learning new facts does interest me. Come to think about it, even if I said I like art and music, I'm not doing much about them. If I can find a way to concentrate, might I actually enjoy studying?

I'm lazy and don't know what lies ahead of me. THAT is the problem.



I'm looking forward to seeing that envelope in my letter box (the teachers and the principal are going to put things in it).

During the camp, I shall read the book I just bought and a self-improvement book. Then think of ideas for art and read the econs notes.

How many times have I tried to change? Its too late to not do so.

And so it is, just like you said it would be

The yellow gerbera's beautiful, and so's everything else. I guess.

& If that's truth, the truth's fine.

Every single day, I'll manage to find a blog or two that voices out exactly what's in my head. Is it the feeling of insignificance or just a feeling of loss?



Fireflies Acapella
(its pretty cool though its not very new)



1234 acapella



Baby - Justin Bieber cover


& lets just say I'm very into acapella now :]

Think the last time I ranted in a whole entire paragraph like that was years ago. The more incoherent the better. Damn it.

I want to whine. I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, don't want to go for the band camp. How on earth am I going to survive for three whole days. Okay no I'm not going to write anything here but I really shouldn't have read anything (yes I read and I feel awful now). Really awful. To think I'd be fine... Can I have a bubble to hide in?! and you know what's the worst part? I'm just going to keep everything to myself until I solve the more important problems first. Though I'm glad I used the time well yesterday to foster better bonds with my family. I've spent far too much time with my friends in the past and I'm going to make up for all the tantrums I've thrown at home in the past. I really wish dad wouldn't have to travel to and fro so often. Positive things aside, I now TOTALLY know how somebody felt like in the past its the most sucky feeling ever. I really don't want to go but I don't have a choice! and I'm not doing enough at least I'll feel better for going out to get the materials on tuesday! Damn it a picture speaks a thousand words you know what the word exclusion means?! Not like inclusion would make things better. Actually it would. But it'd be weird. Everything would be weird, why the hell did I choose to do what I did. People say "most people regret that they didn't do something, not what they did". I disagree. Or maybe its both. You know, after a few months I feel as though things have been getting better on the other side but it'll never be the same. Freakshit. I still don't want to go for the camp guess I'll just have to find joy in other stuff this time round. Somehow I miss my friend (who's gone) more than ever. Freakshitfreakshit. On the other hand, I so badly want to do more but I've got lessons in the morning tomorrow. Everything makes me feel like some irresponsible freak. Okay, I've gotta be responsible for my own actions now. Shall forget about everything and focus on what I should do for art tomorrow. Perspectives, persepctives, perspectives... certain contradictions above are intentional.

ECONS AND HUMAN GEOG IS ACTUALLY QUITE INTERESTING.

The one who says "don't judge me" would be the first one to judge whever anything happens. They think others would do the same.

The person who laughs at others when they fail is the same person who'll be the most afraid to fail.

The one who doesn't like to help others will be the most polite when asking for help just so he'll get what he is desperate for. For he'll expect others to be irritated just like him.

& he'll be the last one to ask for help if anything happens.



We tend to think others have the same negative thoughts like we do, but do they really? If we don't see that patch of stain in the first place, how would we even know others would see it? If it isn't certain that others would see it, why should we even be so conscious of ourselves?

The self-conscious and insecure one will try to act like she is not, while the one with confidence won't even have to try. Because they don't see the negativity in things to be afraid of others seeing it.

Don't say "don't judge if you can't", we shouldn't even judge when we can do better than others.

We shouldn't only say "Just be yourself, don't care about what others think!", for you'll only be forcing yourself to "be yourself" when you still judge others. Don't focus on yourself, but first focus on the positive side of others, don't judge them and soon enough your fears would be erased. Only then, you'll be able to REALLY BE YOURSELF.

So things don't just "start from yourself", its both way.



I thought of that cause my friend said "You've got this really demeaning look in your eyes when you stare at others. And your stares are really intense". I always thought my stares look as though I'm "stoning". Maybe I'm just so used to judging others I don't even know it.

Daddy's back (and will be gone again tomorrow)

At least we spent an entire day out! Hell yeah to Ikea, its a place you can never ever get bored of! Before I start on anything else, sorry to Annisaa for not going over to your place for the wedding. If you ever get married to __, I'll come down no matter what!!

Anyway, yes. Hell yeah to Ikea! I'm feeling extremely excited about the new set of tables and I THINK my dad's gonna make a lightbox so I can actually do some tracing to save time at home!

Besides those, I also got myself boxes to organize my stuff (like it'll make my messy room much neater... ...), a FLEECE comforter and 3 soft toys!

We dined at the Ikea restaurant too:

.. and got this CUTE miniature armchair.

This mini version will only look cute if you've seen the large one.
Too cute for my parents to resist, at least.

Everything at Ikea makes me high and we ended up staying there for 6 hours instead of the intended 4 hours.

We then met my brother at Say Cheeze for dinner and got a New Monitor (its seriously impossible to survive with the old one that keeps switching off every 2 minutes). Just that I'm not too used to the wide screen cause it makes everything stretched out and weird like this:


top 25 most played. Which isn't very accurate.

See its so stretched out, now there's space for me to put more crap information such as bit rate and date added to display.

Or does the whole world already own a rectangular screen such that I'm starting to sound like a country pumpkin?! HAHA.


and here's the strawberry again, ignore the mess of wires.


my brother cooked us tofu with scrambled eggs for supper:

Doesn't look appetising at all but the funny thing is that it tastes abit like fried carrot cake. He just loves cooking alot 8D

Lastly, I like the Bible I got. I'm going to read it everyday.

My monitor which switches off every 5 minutes annoys me.

SOVA paper is finally over, though I must say it didn't feel too great after the paper ended cause I wasn't too stressed about the CTs in the first place.

Sarah and I (alone with 3 j1s and 3 teachers) went for a secondary school musical at republic poly, it was freak cheesy and boring.

The both of us walked around woodlands and I took the bus directly to Siyun's house to meet the girls for Steamboat after that but got lost. I ended up walking 4/5 busstops to her place, got lost at some point in time and had to walk along the dark and creepy terraces. Alone. At night. An indian man stared at me for quite long and it got scary.

That's all for today cause my monitor seriously annoys me, it switches off at 2 minute intervals now. Enjoy the holidays!

Sometimes I wish people didn't see me as "the girl who is perpetually high" or "the crazy/mad kid" or somewhere along the lines of that. Too bad people only see what's on the outside most of the time. I wish people wouldn't think I'm scary just because I express my emotions quite readily (or hyper, they call it).

I wish somebody would read my mind, and understand all those complicated thoughts in me. I'm not that simple a person just because I act like a kid sometimes. I refuse to believe I'm simple, and I know I'm not.

Everything's one-sided to the world out there; A talkative person would be called sad/emo when they don't talk sometimes (when its only because she wants some personal space). A normally unfriendly person would get strange stares when he smiles. Very logical?

(that's the one whisper friend drew and the word "stay" made me wonder if people think I'm always happy.
Or was it just a random word?)

Why are we constantly trying to find people with common traits as we do? Or always trying to find at least something in a friend that relates to ourselves? How much does that similarity mean to us? Don't we all have a mental list of things we want to find in a friend?

And do you get extremely excited when you think you've found a friend who's alot like you, or at least satisfies more ticks on that checklist for a "friend like me"? Then you realise something major is lacking but it doesn't matter for everything else makes up for it.

Does everybody find it an incessant need to have somebody to share your thoughts with, bare your heart, to put your trust in a person (more or less) so you might get possible solutions to things. Or does everything feel better just because you know you're not the only one who would feel/react that way?


and really, my mind isn't just a patch from a sunflower garden.

They come, and they go. Just. like. that.

Damn, I feel just like you. Exactly like you. Just that you don't know who you are. I'm suddenly quite sick of being happy and so full of yellow. I bought a yellow gerbera today (hanan got the dark pink one and I gave emily the light pink one). Its so cheery, it got me smiling for the rest of the day (after breakfast with the class). Just.. not now.

Well, after they (the study mates) left for dinz, I felt empty and didn't feel empty. Not like my presence makes a difference. It did.

I got retard, jon and whisper friend to draw stuff on my post-it pads with coloured markers, I felt like an art teacher beaming with pride at the moment cause it felt kinda accomplishing (I don't know why). Maybe I should be some kind of kindergerten teacher cause they were exactly like kids when drawing those stuff! Random hi-bye friends in school can actually cheer you up alot. A note wrote "stay happy" and it was kinda cute, haha.


So were all the happiness oozing out of me just a fake front or were the flowers just an excuse to make myself happy? Neh, not at all. We're entitled to mixed emotions and its not as though I was upset anyway. More like a ride of emotions? :]

& you're gone, here comes the aircrash. Like you'll ever know.


I quote from ly, "There are times I want to express myself but that inability to articulate my exact raw emotions as they are puts myself off."

words fall through me and always fool me

(Cinammon & Raisin Bagel with cream cheese from SB!)

I got this for the sake of "renting" studying space at starbucks on monday, but we ended up leaving after awhile -_- This actually tastes quite good with the cream cheese though. Even though it looks like.. a sunburnt donut with a serious case of pimple breakout.

The natural light in the bagel picture (Yeah, just abit) reminds me of strawberry I had in Japan, which I kinda miss. (sweetest strawberry EVER)

yes I know I've posted them up a million times.

Oh, my mom just offered me some strawberries :D

Muddleheaded me almost lost my phone today. I freaking left it at the watsons couner (Marina Square) and only noticed it went missing when sarah and I were already at citilink (like, nearing the MRT). Its lucky of me to have found it, or I'd still be freaking out right now.

So today's studying session at subway wasn't thattttt productive because we're both stoners who hate maths. yay. I wonder if Sarah's studying maths now, cause I'm not. (I got chased out of BK after she left, I had the mood for maths then, damn it!!


Lastly, its time I read more books. My imaginary vocabulary bank seems pretty.. empty and dusty. Maybe then I'd be able to admire myself instead of others who have a good command of the English language. Wait I've already said this a thousand times..

(Kaiying (& ashley) I'm sorry you guys had to come all the way up to my house just to get the pair of shoes you lent me!! :( Does me having CTs and not being able to watch Alice help make everything better? HAHA)


Eww boring entry. I shall post less often until I've got more sensible stuff to talk about instead of writing about what I do everyday.

I know how you feel right now,
Losing dreams you've come to care about

I'm going to get matching socks to match my matching hairbands and matching hair ties. This so reminds me of the Mocca advertisement. Yeah I got matching hairbands for my hairties, now I've got the colour of the rainbow plus extra shades of red and yellow and green :D



Krezip - Sweet Goodbyes

Can't sleep 'cause everything's changing
You don't want to leave things behind
Can't breathe cause to many things going on going wrong in your life

Tears in your eyes
Sweet goodbyes
I know how you feel right now
Losing dreams you've come to care about
I know what you need right now
You need to come on home so I can hold you tight
Guide you through the night
I'll guide you through the night

Wake up the sun's shining bright lets go out of bed into the light
Shape up we won't forget still there's lots of love left to hold tight

Ashley and I are addicted to this song. She's studying chemistry on my bed, its strewn with notes. Goodluck to the chem students tmr! :D

Econs was terrible, I thought geog was fine cause I could write stuff but I'm not sure if my answers are correct. Damnit. At least the most taxing subjects are over, I really can't wait for friday to come!!

Let's go slowly, discouraged, We'll burn the pictures instead

(Something about Lisztomania makes me fall in love with it everytime, either that or I won't EVER grow sick of it. At least I haven't, even after so many months.)

Sarah, Hafiz and I moved from cityhall starbucks to esplanade library to marina square subway today. Subway is still the best (Y) GP was fine, econs and geog tomorrow.. talk about screwed.

I've got a crazy idea, and I'm gonna do that for econs tomorrow. As for geography, I've still got lots more to go so I might want to survive on Red bull tomorrow. MIGHT.





Sarah and I were day dreaming about freedom just now, can't wait to take a day off and walk around till I drop before I start on my studies all over again, for real. The idea of walking into any cafe in heels/booties, clad in a bodycon dress/skirt, patterned leggings and long hair makes me feel kinda grown up.

In a very superficial manner, of course.

Dark brown hair, navy blue clothes paired with brown leather belts/shoes/accessories, scarves, skinnies, knits and booties seem to appeal to me very much.

Oh and how I wish there's winter in Singapore. I wish I stayed in England, I love many things about England.


Everybody thinks I can't stop talking, that I'll never grow up and I'm spastic. Oh, and I throw friendly insults when I've got nothing to say, is that being cynical?

Has anybody seen another side of me besides the childish, noisy, "smiley" and friendly side?! I'd rather be the opposite.


& How many times have I walked across the citilink mall? I know the place inside out. The fact that our brain choses to remember all the itty bitty details amazes me, though it doesn't excite. Nothing ever does anymore, nothing's ever going to be the same.

The long flight of stairs leading to Marina Square reminded me of a million things too, but I just can't bring myself to bother. Because I don't know how to. and because I don't know if I'm the only one bothering. In the first place, should I even?

GP paper 2 tomorrow, they scraped paper 1. That means I wouldn't do well for GP this time round cause I normally get my marks from paper 1. This isn't a good sign, failing GP would be the last thing I'd want.

So I studied at Tampines 1 subway alone after SOT today, wasn't too productive cause there were a few people text messenging me. I should've told them I was studying and can't text. Though its quite funny linette and I were both studying alone (but at different locations). If only we weren't so far away from each other!

GEOGRAPHY KILLS! I better read up more so I'll be able to bomb MsTeo with questions tomorrow, gonna make it a productive session!


I'm prepared to flunk my CTs like shit, so I'm not nervous. Ha-ha-ha. Prepared to flunk cause i'm not prepared, BUT still going to study my ass off these few days and the next few months to come.

As I was telling my friend, "you might've known me yesterday but you might not know I am today". That said, I'm gonna stay away from the com NOW.

People are only selfish when they feel like they need to grab hold of whatever they feel like they need. They're not selfish because they don't think about others at all, its just that they feel what they need is more important. As simple as that may sound, some of us just take the first assumption sometimes. Its what you want vs what others want. Which is more important?

I admit, I always want the best for myself because I just can't stand not getting what's best. Some degree of perfectionism? Maybe. But today, I realised there isn't a need to own everything great just to feel happy. Being "un-selfish" doesn't stem from thinking about others' needs, you've gotta start it off with your own mindset.

So I bought two pretty dream catchers today. I could've kept both for myself to match different clothes, but I decided to give one away (if my friend likes it). Not because I felt "the joy of giving" on its own like that, but because I realised I've got nothing to lose even if I give it away, and I'd feel happy if my friend is. Fundamentally its still like "they joy of giving", but the step before that is to first be able to understand yourself or else its pointless to force that "joy" out. & be genuine about it at the same time.


Lets apply this to my own life. I guess what my friend told me in the past was right, I shouldn't keep thinking of others and what they want and what they think, but what I think. It isn't being insensitive (though I always think it is), people HAVE to know themselves to know what to do to fit themselves into the situation. Not CHANGING yourself to fit the situation, but to think of ways to fit your CURRENT self into the situation. I'm glad you're mature like that.

I shared some of my worries with my friend today, not so much in a negative view (I think), but more of not knowing WHAT to do. I don't think anybody would know what to do, especially when they're in my shoes -- I want to think from all sides. Till now, I'm still uncertain but I'll follow my gut feeling first.

It feels nice enough to have friends to talk to and those who support me, anyway. I'm glad I've got a "mom" and a "dad" who keep reminding me to study in school, I feel I shouldn't disappoint myself and them. I don't have a best friend, but I know there are people who are willing to be there for me. I know what I want, I have to do well for my A's. Perhaps abit too late to do WELL, but decent grades.

In the end, I'm still a person who learns from examples. Hearing what others feel about the situation makes me much better. I'm a person who needs to know what is happening around me to know how to react. You may say that's not having an opinion, but is that wrong?

I need role models, I need to see people who are in the same boat as me, I need.. do I need a mirror? Should I care about who takes me as a true friend and who doesn't?



Today was a great day -- I studied with N at subway and the environment was very conducive. Didn't cover many chapters but I do understand what I've learnt and I'm prepared for another consultation I think. We had hot chocolate after the hours of brain-draining studying and that's when I started to think alot. There's a million things I want to talk about, but there isn't much time.

Its nice to feel that way, having thoughts in your mind that drive you on, you know. I feel more at ease now, I just hope I wasn't rambling on about myself too much. Thanks for listening :]

still in love with the straigh shank glass as much as ever.

So the seniors got their A's results today; our school improved tremendously! We were in the hall while they were flashing those statistics, and somehow they got me really freaked out. Looking at their great results made me stressed & gave the motivation to work. I wanna ba happy 365 days later!

After that, most of my schoolmates went to their classes to collect their H1 MT results. 09-1A07 did well. ALL A's FOR THE CHINESE DUDES! I guess most of my friends around me were fine, and didn't feel much of that "bad chiii". We just get on with it. Exams aren't an accurate gage of our standards anyway.

Maybe it was because I didn't feel the anxiety within me, flashback to the day of the O'level normal chinese results. I was calm cause I wasn't expecting anything below A, but I cried when I saw that C for my higher chinese and that wasn't supposed to be my normal standard. Its the "I know I screwed, but why screw it on the most important exam?!" feeling?

Anyway that's over. I can't remember how to write many chinese words now, its been two years. Fellow JC friends, join the club :]



After sufficient rest, I found miss teo for geography consultation and I'm really touched by her actions and willingness to help me :] It lasted for an hour but I feel a little more settled now.

Chatted a little while before studying with sarah for awhile before she left and I was alone at the cafe benches. Accomplished quite abit of geography! :D Its satisfying when you can actually concentrate! :D Joined the rest for a meal of pizza and drumlets before heading home.

Sleepy time!

We could have spent all summer sitting here making daisychains


Syairah's new profile pic and the reference to one of my drawings. That's upside down syai through the glass Sarah is holding onto to let me take a photo of it while linette's gettnig high with my coke.

How many times have I mentioned "art" these few weeks? Anyway, that's like the coolest piece of glass ever, the few of us had a whale of a time with it. Straight-shank glass they call it.

I predict my period's coming soon cause I allowed myself to look sad/pissed today. It was actually more of stress, and something happened after geog today cause I was EXTREMELY frustrated with myself for falling asleep so often. My brain isn't even functioning. Miss Teo was being really nice and helped me plan my time. Plus she lent me her books and offered to give me consultation tomorrow, so I better stay awake!

Was supposed to study geog right after art but art got dragged on for hours till 9, that's why I was feeling so irritated. I'm soo tired right now cause I only slept an hour last night and its been like that for the past 1+ week. Everything's in a mess, I don't know if I should break the cycle by studying more first, or sleeping more.

There are post-it notes on my pencil case that say "EMMA DON'T SLEEP ALREADY!!!" So okay, I will still sleep late tonight cause I wanna study for geog and not let ms teo down. I'll drown myself in caffeine tomorrow.


So I slept at 2 and woke up at 6 in the end. & you know what, I really ought to run away I'm beginning to wonder if its only my imagination or that things are seriously turning bad. Geography for now, screw everything else. Here's a song to make things better.

Take a sad song, and make it betterrrr. Hey Jude doesn't remind me of anything nice either. Dammit. Thoughts can be so annoying!

Okay anyway, back to the song.


Youth group - Daisychains

Quite into Kings of Convenience, Youth group & DCFC these days.

LOL @ our alien faces! Some of the cool photos from the straight shank glass are on my fb album!

So I did my 2.4km run on monday and clocked 11:45. Slower than my secondary school timings by a minute plus. & that means I didn't maintain my timing, I'm growing old! (and lazy).

had a nice talk to syairah after art today, we'll be there for each other okay babe! Haven't been talking much to the usual group of study mates again. Not to be emotional or anything, but sometimes I really feel so isolated from everybody. Its always been up and down, maybe cause I'm always not there or.. I don't know.


Have loads of things to do tonight, prep board submission's tomorrow. 12 art essay outlines, 1 geog essay outline, and everything to study for common test.

So far behind time, help :[

pfft.

Well anyway, while I was bathing, I thought about all the things. I realised the one behind all those, people have no right to blame others and be mad at them just because they are lucky to be in a better situation. Or get mad without first thinking about the entire situation. I'm so straightforward here, and I don't care cause I care about what's gonna happen later.

But but but.. everytime I read something I'll feel like going abcdefgh again. .I swear there will be knots in my tummy everytime I read something, it makes me sad and delusional. I don't remember it being like that, so just run away and avoid trouble.

I didn't know people were worried about me, thanks to those who showed concern you know who you are :) Well especially to Sarah and Hafiz who had a talk with me today (though they wouldn't be reading this)! Gotta bathe and sleep early, 2.4km run tomorrow and I have to maintain my timing!

GO EMMA :D

Weird nut speaking

I actually don't enjoy being a simple person.

Everything's going on quite smoothly these days, I miss having something to worry or think about all day, because having problems give you new insights. It makes you feel like you're growing.

Feel so stagnant right now, I'm living each day with joy and laughter but nothing gained at the end of the day. There isn't a day which feels particularly significant, each passing day is just something you accept and not remember forever. How weird am I?

Just read this blog. I sound like some secondary school kid.


But then again, it isn't that bad to be like one, at least I can try to channel all my energy to my work. I wish I had the power to make people feel better whenever they're sad/irritated/confused/stressed, and a better way with words. Even though I just said all those, its still a nice feeling to be stable for awhile.

When you've got all those, you'll feel like sharing that joy :)

My brother was right, you won't be able to help others untill you're able to first help yourself. I hope my smile won't ever fade away!